is seemed the only reasonable option.

i wanted to crawl out of my skin
                   crawl out of my mind
                  and even the solace of  
a sleeping unconscious
rigidly refuses my pleas
defies me
like everything and everyone else.

hot water
candlelight
the aroma and feel
of lavender and eucalyptus oil
only pull me deeper
into sorrow and despair.

i. can't. do. this.

what next?
i already tried white russians
   a sleeping pill
        allergy medication
              "the privilege of the sword"
  
                i tried thinking hard
and not thinking at all

                     i try to steel myself again life
                 become hard
            uncaring
            i try not to give a ****.

but it's all pathetic attempts
      to go against my nature.
                              my nature dictates i cry
                         that i thrash against this
         that i reach out again and again
that i make an utter fool of myself.

i opened the window...maybe the air will help
(it won't.)

i'll put on music to soothe me
(it will do the opposite.)

i will disrobe
slather lotion on myself
i'll climb into my bed
with my stupid purple hair
and cry into my blankets
while sad music plays.

eventually you will find me asleep
among twisted blankets and tears
likely clutching a pillow
for dear life.

i will awake to find
nothing has changed
and use all my strength
to get out of bed.

i'll force myself back
to my desperate searching.
i'll vow not to make a fool of myself this day
and fail.

i will push my pounding heart back
so that it is just a whisper
and just face that fact

that      life      b  l  o  w   s.