i want to remember
how i felt
when i didn't care
about the pills
sliding down my throat

i want to remember
how i felt
when my vision was hazy
from tears
when i slid my brother's knife
down
up
left
right
around my arms
legs
hips

i want to remember
how i felt
when the sick smile
drips across my lips
after the slice
when the blood
pooled up and let go
sliding down my arm
staining my sheets
the smile of ruin
of hopelessness

i want to remember
how i felt
when it wasn't about the pain
of the sting
but about the accomplishment
the representation
of my days in the dark

i want to remember
how i felt
the night into day
when my body
began to reject all the pills
and i puked and puked
and called for help
but remembered
it was either that the pills did this
or killed me

i want to look back
at a place where i'm happy
and loved
and love myself
and remember
how i felt
and know

it lead me to a life
that allows me to look back
as now

i am forward