"I've already told you
it's like you don't understand"
" We get paid
on the 17th and
no doctor tickie,
no money"
"So I have to stay
until then
and pray they don't call"
"No it's not about therapy or work it's about the goverment"
       He says all of this and more.
It brings back memories of yesterday's
episode of
" She doesn't understand"
followed by
" It's like talking to a wall"

I'm the wall you see.
I'm the one
that doesn't understand.
It's not that I lack
the capacity to do so.
It's just when
things don't add up
I ask questions.
It shouldn't trigger a bomb
or
light
a bon fire.
At least
this one didn't
end with
him
punching
himself on the chin.

At least I don't think it did.

Each time the topic comes up-
moving here
and the steps
it takes
or God forbid
a time frame.
Everything goes
down the crapper.

It feeds my insecurities
and need for reassurance.
You see this isn't our first rodeo.
He was already suppose to be here.
Now with our second go around
and the topic of conversation is
when will he be here
All I get:
lost in translation
between
him
me
a cigarette
with tears,
angry tones and silence.

My head begins to throb.

This brings up old issues.
The time when he left me
and found
comfort in woman
*****
and drugs.
So naturally
I get afraid,
something  will come up
and I will be left
even
more
shattered
then
before.

Last night
he said,
I don't trust him.
When all I
wanted was
some comfort.
Because all I
see is I can't
ask
him
anything.

a " Hey baby it will all be okay, I want to be there just as badly as you want me there " but
No.
He told me
he didn't know
how to do that for me.
How to comfort
or what to say.
This made me
scared.
How can we last if someone is
incapable to comfort me
when I need them to.

I asked him to apologize at least
for putting me through all this.

"Would that honestly even help"
.......to my reply,
not with that attitude it won't.

After all the weeping
anger, finger pointing
and frustration
here we are today.

It's going to take longer now
longer than he initially said
and when the
discussion came up again
out of the blue
I refrain myself.
Still being told
how much
I don't
understand..

What I do know is, these
back and forth arguments
are over 400 euro.
That may or may not come
which is prolonging his trip
back home to me.

His eyes are a beautiful dark brown.
They have a way of sinking into the very fiber of my being.

and I'm tired
of things being up in the air.
Tired of being told
I'm like talking to a wall.
Tired of not finding any comfort.
That nothing
is in my control
or even his,
to be honest.

I just know none of what happened
last night and our small conversation
about it today
was worth 400 euro
not the argument
not the waiting
or the ache.

Not even this poem.