My drive down was peaceful
I was on my own
Independent
Free from obligations

Expectations
Fun but shallow activities
No one talks
Games are a distraction
Cooking and eating is a task in itself

Am I the elephant in the room?
Everyone has expectations
We take photos
I’m the photographer
No one listens
Everyone’s talking
I’m dismissed
“I’m like why am I taking your photos if you can’t listen to my directions?”
Everyone is already triggered
Some want it to be over with
Some want more photos
Some don’t like the poses
Some want candid shots

I’m mean. I’m rude. I escalated. I’m the one everyone blames. Because of my energy. Because of my reaction. I’m also triggered.
I tell them you all can’t look at yourselves
You want to blame me
You won’t even apologize
Even now my spouse pretends he’s the good guy
I’m the crazy one

I don’t even care for my spouse
He’s just there
He made excuses for why he wouldn’t come the other day
It comes down to my reaction
Never his own faults

He’s the one who told me not to come on the trip
The kids had to choose between him or me
This trip I planned with my sister
A trip he didn’t help pack or support me with
I packed the kids things, the food
All he did was get himself ready
I’m used to doing it all

I remember I’m the scapegoat
In the family
In my marriage
No one wants to be uncomfortable
Yet I’m the one who has to keep performing
I’m the one blamed for my reactions
I’m the one who has to apologize
Everyone deflects
Everyone is unaware
I’m so tired
Sick of this environment
I’m the one who has to say sorry
No one else will I’m sure
It’s all so tiring

I’m reflecting
I am hurt
But I know they are too
I apologize when I’m ready
I’m overwhelmed and didn’t feel supported
They tell me they love me and hug me
It’s good to know we still love each other
There’s no resentment
I am content
For this moment I will enjoy
That….
We’re at peace
We’re a family