i seek the shadows that comfort me
from the shame of vulnerability.
i can’t feel the sorrow and the grief of loss
under the day’s brightness.

as if the light acts as a dam,
preventing the next great flood from god.
under hecate’s protection, i am cloaked,
hidden from others (and from my own eyes).

when i was young, my parents taught me
that emotions are not for boys.
emotions were like barbies -
and toying with either is an act of shame.

one time i was desperate and needed
the comfort that only parents can provide.
i cried in front of my mother, she stopped me and said,
“i’ll give you something to cry about.”

so i learned to hide under the blankets.
i let it all go - stifling the sobbing whimpers.
afraid to be caught, afraid to be punished,
afraid of another humiliating lecture.

i wrap my arms around my hollowness,
holding the sheets closeby.
alone, finding solace within.
fighting my battles on my own.

here in the darkness, i bathe in my own vulnerability.
gasping for hope in between sobs.
tonight - there will be a baptism.
tomorrow - i will be renewed.