i'm so afraid.
i slept too little last night
woke up in a hazy existence
& my entire chest feels tight..

i contemplate on things i've said
& i've run out of words to say.
everything on my mind, has been spoken
but none of it made you stay..

i tell myself it's okay
that i dream about your touch,
as long it i don't let it go too far,
or dream of it too much..

but my eyes glaze over
for hours on end, thinking about you,
1000 scenarios thought about,
& i don't know what to do..

i always think i've let it go
& you always seep right back in,
he asks me what's on my mind
& i don't know where to begin..

i went to therapy, started over
everything you're supposed to do,
but somehow i'm 21 again
falling madly, madly in love with you..

however, you don't deserve me,
not after all you've put me through,
but i still sometimes hope,
you'll find me out of the blue..

i'm on my knees now,
screaming "rid me of this sin",
i prayed to every God & devil
but i guess they won't listen..

i know it's not right to lay beside him,
with you there on my mind,
i swear, i truly tried to leave him,
i tried to do what was kind..

but i think he's in denial
maybe more than i ever was
& i promise i really do love him
& he loves me despite my flaws..

& i swear most days,
you simply fade away,
& he's my world & i am happy
& everything's better than okay

it's just the end of winter
that rekindles all my loss
birthdays, breakups, secret nothings,
& all the lines we crossed

i guess somehow i know
i'll sober up from your high,
so until i smoke next winter,
i guess this is goodbye,

forever caught between
the idea of you & me
the reality of him & i

forever caught between
the idea of you & me
& my refusal to be free