I sat there
Beside you
Holding your hand
Not wanting to let go because i knew
If i did you would too
Then you would disappear.
I knew that when i left
Walked out of that room
I never see you again,
Or laugh again
No more meeting at family gatherings
Or rushing to you with open arms.
No more looking for your face in a crowd of our family members
Always going straight outside because i knew you’d be there
Smoking a cigarette.
I miss you.
I shouldnt never let go of your hand
I shoudve endured and soaked in the warmth and comfort
Of your hands, your touch.
I miss it.
Now i sit here on my bed writing this down
About us, about you and how
I wish i wouldn't have listened to mom voice
Vaguely echoing in my ears when she said
It's time to go, honey
I wish i hadn't looked her way
Instead of continuing to admire and appreciate your beauty
When i looked over at mom with swollen eyelids and lips
From my tears,
I turned back to you and looked through the blurred vision
Through my watered up eyes ready to burst with cries
I squeezed your hand and said
Ok, give me a minute
And as i heard the faint sound of moms voice and her shoes hit the tile
Of this hospital room with the smell of failing to bring back life,
She replied
Ok.
And when the door shut the cries burst
And i closed my eyes not being able to bear the sight
anymore
Of this flower flying away and out of reach that i may see someday,
Many hours away
I should have stayed.
Shouldve stayed in your touch
You love and your hold
I should have never let go
Of your hand
I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
Now instead of holding your hand sitting by your side
Admiring your beauty everyone else ignored
I lay in my bed writing you this,
I miss you.
You were my person,
And while others mourned once and are now okay
Just scrolling through the memories
I still cry i am still mourning
Because I miss you,
And i feel you.
Still.
I look up at the pictures of you hanging on my walls and
Beside my bed on the table,
All of you and me.
Me and you.
I wear my butterfly earrings that remind me of you
When someone says i have to take them off i stand my ground and make sure They know that it is not just a jewelry piece,
Its you in remembrance i carry with me.
I miss you,
My person,
My nina.