the meaning of life changes
every other day
i missed you for a while
but i didn't miss the pain
i wanted to live freely
before i knew of shame
i wanted to love deeply
until it was easier to blame

so i stare into the puddle
and splash my face away
life would be easier
if i wasn't the same person everyday
if i didn't have to live by
what i died for yesterday
the muscle memory of trauma
the pit of doubt left in your wake

i'm not saying i'm not grateful
and i'm not trying to play a game
i'm not special or above it all
i succumb and i flub and double down on mistakes
i forget what i can't reconcile
i let words form sentences i should never say
and thats all to say
today was a pretty sad day

i want to help
but there's nothing i can do