I’m finding it hard to speak
With any sort of power
Or conviction.
I worry and fret over every word
Every gesture and expression,
Wondering if i’m all wrong.

I’ve found that
I’m the most me
When I’m with you.
I’m sure and brave,
With you as my strength.
But now, my hands wring
And eyes dart.

The courage I once had
To lean into the absurdity that defines me,
The absurdity
That you assured me you loved,
Has drained from my body.

Without your love
To hold me steady,
I have turned back
Into the fearful child
That sewed her mouth shut
And cried behind locked doors.

I put on a brave face,
Tell them I’m more angry than sad,
More appalled than hurt.
I try to move on,
Like you,
Trying to find a backbone
In someone new.

But they do not speak to me like you
They do not look at me like you
They do not challenge me like you.
They do not make me someone better,
Like you.

Every day without you,
My body curls tighter.
My knees get closer to my chest,
My neck bends further forward,
My arms wrap my legs harder and harder.

Retreating back into myself
Back into the cell
Your love drew me out of.
Locking myself in,
Where I can wither in peace
Seems like the best way to proceed.