Nov 2023
In January I begin to fade.
My astringent blood,
The shock of dying love,
It sends me into clouds of smoke
Where I can escape my broken home.
I meet you in January.
February encircles me
Like tall dark curtains.
It pushes me under the light
Where painful decisions break my neck
And I fall into your arms.
I know that I will love you in February.
March comes,
And I spend my birthday alone
Deciding between crashing my car
Or bleeding myself out.
I buy myself gifts but they can’t replace you.
It was your first broken promise.
I decide to change in April.
I decide to get better
Because I want you to love me,
And who could love me as I am?
In April we collect treasure from the river
And I cut 7 inches of my old self from my hair.
May is for planning.
We talk about the future
But you’re still shaken from the past
And anchoring yourself to the present.
My mistakes and still-loving memories
Push you to the edge,
I choose you in May.
In June, you are everything.
In June, you are my soulmate.
In June, we climb mountains.
In June, I know that I will love you forever.
We give it a name in July,
Our love.
We spend rainy nights under the trees
We sail to see seals on a foggy island,
And kiss lobsters.
Then a shadow lurks over you in July.
In August, I fight your friends
And say things I don’t mean.
You tell me you’re leaving,
And I think “here it comes.”
The fear of losing you makes me sick,
And I beg for you to care.
August changes you.
We almost die in September.
You lie and hide
I cry and beg.
I hate this part of you
And I fear that it is permanent.
In September, you pinky promise,
You’ll be back real soon
And I’ll be your wife.
You say your love for me will never get lazy,
Again.
In October,
I think maybe everything will be fine,
If I can just keep my head down
And don’t flinch at the swinging steel.
I tattoo the thought of you.
In October, it got too much.
Your apathy drags me to the gallows,
Where I have to be the one to kick the chair.
In November, I keep waiting for you
Still hoping that you’ll say all the right things and love me like June.
November,
I wonder how you could do this.
I wonder if it ever meant anything to you.
I wonder if you love her.
If she cries less
If your friends would like her
If she ***** you better
If you’re learning French.
And somehow I still want you in November.
My astringent blood,
The shock of dying love,
It sends me into clouds of smoke
Where I can escape my broken home.
I meet you in January.
February encircles me
Like tall dark curtains.
It pushes me under the light
Where painful decisions break my neck
And I fall into your arms.
I know that I will love you in February.
March comes,
And I spend my birthday alone
Deciding between crashing my car
Or bleeding myself out.
I buy myself gifts but they can’t replace you.
It was your first broken promise.
I decide to change in April.
I decide to get better
Because I want you to love me,
And who could love me as I am?
In April we collect treasure from the river
And I cut 7 inches of my old self from my hair.
May is for planning.
We talk about the future
But you’re still shaken from the past
And anchoring yourself to the present.
My mistakes and still-loving memories
Push you to the edge,
I choose you in May.
In June, you are everything.
In June, you are my soulmate.
In June, we climb mountains.
In June, I know that I will love you forever.
We give it a name in July,
Our love.
We spend rainy nights under the trees
We sail to see seals on a foggy island,
And kiss lobsters.
Then a shadow lurks over you in July.
In August, I fight your friends
And say things I don’t mean.
You tell me you’re leaving,
And I think “here it comes.”
The fear of losing you makes me sick,
And I beg for you to care.
August changes you.
We almost die in September.
You lie and hide
I cry and beg.
I hate this part of you
And I fear that it is permanent.
In September, you pinky promise,
You’ll be back real soon
And I’ll be your wife.
You say your love for me will never get lazy,
Again.
In October,
I think maybe everything will be fine,
If I can just keep my head down
And don’t flinch at the swinging steel.
I tattoo the thought of you.
In October, it got too much.
Your apathy drags me to the gallows,
Where I have to be the one to kick the chair.
In November, I keep waiting for you
Still hoping that you’ll say all the right things and love me like June.
November,
I wonder how you could do this.
I wonder if it ever meant anything to you.
I wonder if you love her.
If she cries less
If your friends would like her
If she ***** you better
If you’re learning French.
And somehow I still want you in November.
