He had these quirky ways about him.
Spastic movements when he was excited
Eyes that would dart when he was
Putting words to thoughts
Looking over his readers
A process of setting things up just so
To play a game of chess
Funny names for stray cats I know he secretly loved
He would tell me just how he wanted things
Just how the back rubs should go
Where the ibuprofen belonged
How the jacket should hang
He never once said he was sorry
He always thought he was right
He had this inpenetrable pride that he wrapped himself in
It kept the world out and me out as well
His own body guard - he was
Trust was a four letter word to him
Truth was whatever he wanted it to be
Love, just another thing to disprove
Because it made him vulnerable
He was always the first to leave
I loved him, not despite those things,
But because of those things.
The problem with loving a man like that though
Is that he will never see you
He will never see just how hard it was for you to let him in
He won't see the same fear in you
That he carries in himself
He won't ever try to understand
Why you decline visits
Or put your make up on
Why you hold an aloofness about you
He won't understand that you do those things
Because you are afraid
That he might suddenly find you ugly
See you at your worst one day
And just walk away.
He will never know how hard it is to choose between
Protecting your own heart and letting him into it
That all the anomalies are the product of
The hardest battle you will ever fight
To not lose your sense of self
To not become a casualty
To be able to stand at the end
Undefeated just like him.
And say, "Well, at least he didn't leave
Fully knowing me."
"At least I didn't surrender or retreat."
That those anomalies provide an escape route to some sort of victory, albeit one in a war you hope never to be a part of.
That they help you not flinch
When he turns the knife on you
He will never understand that
Love to you is so foreign
So unknown and daunting
That it's like learning a new language
He won't appreciate you are giving all you have to give
He won't believe how your every thought contains him
Nor how being loyal is the easiest thing you have ever done
Nor will he care when he turns your vision of love
Into something so warped
you will forever avoid it
He will turn every joy, every hope, every pure moment
Into whatever fallacy he chooses
So that he can feel shameless
He will make you the villain in his story
So that he can dehumanize you, hate you,
And discard you.
That's the problem with loving a man like that.
And **** all ...I did it anyway.