this is the poem
i am convinced i will never be ready to write.

this is the poem
i have been avoiding writing
because i know the depth of it...
the depth of what we had
& how difficult it is to capture it.

we know how it was.
we know how it is.

we know how we wanted it to be
& we know how it didn't get to be.

even writing it now
makes the lump in my throat grow wider
& the tears that have waited this long to be let out
make a caleidescope of my eyes...

your pale blue eyes
& your hands as warm as a fire
faded in the distance during a winter snow storm
in the middle of nowhere...

you came out of no where
& when i wasn't looking...
they say that's when you find it
is when you least expect to...

that was you for me.

we had so many sparks
we could set this town ablaze...
so much chemistry
we could create a thousand new & undiscovered elements...
& far much more in common that we or anyone
would have ever guessed...

but we knew how it was...
we know who we were...

we had lightning in a bottle,
you said to me
right before you left...
and then someone removed the lid
you said to me
moments before my heart gave out...

i could never forget how it was...
because how could i?...

i will never forget the way we were...
because how is that possible?...

i will never forget the way it felt
as we fell head over heals,
risked everything for this lightning,
as we sat with our feet barely touching the ground
watching as those warm, bright summer days past us by...

i will never forget how the inner edges of your eye brows would raise up when you could just tell how i was feeling.
the way your cheeks turned baby pink, flushed when i kissed you on your birthday that night in my car,
or the way you'd look up at me unable to speak when i'd merely graze you i had that profound of an impact on you...

i will never forget those hours you spent painting & drawing for me or pouring your darkest most vulnerable parts of you onto paper...nor will i forgive myself for letting you down...
when i made you hurt...
when i made you scream...
when i made you frustrated...
when i made you cry...
when i made you feel unseen.

i will always remember to allow myself to feel, to remember, & smile when i hear the music that belongs to us...
the quiet moments only we know...
the moments where we could just say anything & just be ourselves & allow ourselves to be
fully known
fully seen
fully heard
fully loved
fully cared for
fully understood
fully accepted...

we will always have that lightning...
no one can take something like that away from us.
we will always have our bottles,
cherished, remembered, & tucked away safe...
maybe one day we'll rebottle some of that again...