I breathe you in without knowing.
And all of a sudden I feel dizzy.
Can’t breathe down.

I remember that girl I used to be living with this feeling.
Breathing.

The pain from somebody.
And the person doesn’t know.
The pain I’m in after I’ve been breathing.
Your smoke.
Your ****.
My muscles are stuck.

I’m in agony for hours, stuck staring.
In this state of tension, anxiety and spasms.
And nobody takes it seriously.
Second hand **** smoke attack.
I used to have these daily because my neighbor didn’t care.

HE smoked so I got stuck or had to flee.
Everywhere but home.
And now having an attack again I’m put right back in that state.

Back to that girl I once was.
The girl that had to face this while breathing in some else’s horror and smoke.
Because she had no other place to be.
Could only run when it was possible or scream.

And then the police took her.
Or they took her because somebody was mean to her and she screamed.
And there was loud noise and it never stopped.

Or somebody was unreasonable but she was the crazy one so the police was called on her.
And she got stripped and touched even though she tried to explain that she had autism.

She didn’t want to be touched.
They touched her everywhere and put her in a cel for hours on her own.

With only a shirt and underpants.
They watched her walking around in circles.
Look at her, the crazy one….

Crazy insane world as usual.
I’m not surprised anymore.
Sometimes I just get reminded of exactly how it felt and it’s a lot to take in.

Especially because I know that I also had my moments of ignorance and I hurt the wrong people.
And I don’t forgive myself even though it was part of the process.

The development, the balance, the truth, the real feelings that are out there.
The darkest pain.

I know it too well.
And knowing is not easy ever.
But maybe it will set me free one day.