Sep 2013
I am hurting and scared and it is not good.
I am lost because I am denying myself again...
I am struggling and I am failing
Tonight may be the end of my 2 months of 'Good Little Nita'.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts of self-hate.
I can feel it.
And I've tried to "contain" it and "push it away" and it is not working tonight!
I have pulled out my "HEALTHY WAYS TO COPE" list
and checked everything off...and it's still here.
This burning inside of me ~ the bad place ~
I need to cut it out of me!
Perhaps what's worse...is I know it will help alleviate the pain
albeit temporarily.
But right now- I'll take 'temporarily'...
it's better than no relief at all.
The quest to fix the hole in my bucket was unsuccessful.
And frankly, I really can't make myself care right now.
I'm finished with staying 'in the present'.
Who would want to stay present in this body?
For God's sake, we have 'no emotional skin'.
Who wants to live like that?
This is not about finding a 'safe place',
or taking allies, or throwing your troubles in a bucket,
it is not about 'courage' or 'wisdom'
this is about 'managing the symptoms', is not?
This is about making functioning less exhausting and difficult.
This is about not speaking, in real life,
about the pain and despair, the fear and the anger.
This is about managing the 'symptoms' and 'masking' the problem.
So tonight I will 'manage' the 'symptoms'
so they do not spill over and have a negative effect on anyone else.
I will 'manage' and I will 'deal with her'
....by myself.
THIS is about being'numb' and 'ignoring' what needs attention.
THIS is about not questioning and popping a pill.
THIS is about suffering in silence
and doing what has to be done to continue to "live" for everyone else
because you do not matter,
and what you want and need do not matter.
They never have.
This is about putting a beautiful expensive picture and placing it over an ugly stain on the wall. The stain will still be there, even when something beautiful and breath-taking is covering it up...and if the picture is never removed the stain will always remain.
It will stay there, ***** & forgotten.
I should not be alone tonight
but I want to be alone.
I want to hurt myself - because I deserve to be hurt.
But then there is that '24 hour rule' – f@#k it!
It's not like there's anyone to call for help anyway!
Clearly that little girl is so ugly, so *****, so revolting -
she even traumatized a valued member of the mental health community.
No one will know that I am suffering.
No one will be allowed to see the scars beneath the clothing
lest they be revolted
They will know only this:
I am Nita. I am strong and I am beautiful and I can do anything.
Smile Pretty Nita
And they, unlike me, will believe it.
I am lost because I am denying myself again...
I am struggling and I am failing
Tonight may be the end of my 2 months of 'Good Little Nita'.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts of self-hate.
I can feel it.
And I've tried to "contain" it and "push it away" and it is not working tonight!
I have pulled out my "HEALTHY WAYS TO COPE" list
and checked everything off...and it's still here.
This burning inside of me ~ the bad place ~
I need to cut it out of me!
Perhaps what's worse...is I know it will help alleviate the pain
albeit temporarily.
But right now- I'll take 'temporarily'...
it's better than no relief at all.
The quest to fix the hole in my bucket was unsuccessful.
And frankly, I really can't make myself care right now.
I'm finished with staying 'in the present'.
Who would want to stay present in this body?
For God's sake, we have 'no emotional skin'.
Who wants to live like that?
This is not about finding a 'safe place',
or taking allies, or throwing your troubles in a bucket,
it is not about 'courage' or 'wisdom'
this is about 'managing the symptoms', is not?
This is about making functioning less exhausting and difficult.
This is about not speaking, in real life,
about the pain and despair, the fear and the anger.
This is about managing the 'symptoms' and 'masking' the problem.
So tonight I will 'manage' the 'symptoms'
so they do not spill over and have a negative effect on anyone else.
I will 'manage' and I will 'deal with her'
....by myself.
THIS is about being'numb' and 'ignoring' what needs attention.
THIS is about not questioning and popping a pill.
THIS is about suffering in silence
and doing what has to be done to continue to "live" for everyone else
because you do not matter,
and what you want and need do not matter.
They never have.
This is about putting a beautiful expensive picture and placing it over an ugly stain on the wall. The stain will still be there, even when something beautiful and breath-taking is covering it up...and if the picture is never removed the stain will always remain.
It will stay there, ***** & forgotten.
I should not be alone tonight
but I want to be alone.
I want to hurt myself - because I deserve to be hurt.
But then there is that '24 hour rule' – f@#k it!
It's not like there's anyone to call for help anyway!
Clearly that little girl is so ugly, so *****, so revolting -
she even traumatized a valued member of the mental health community.
No one will know that I am suffering.
No one will be allowed to see the scars beneath the clothing
lest they be revolted
They will know only this:
I am Nita. I am strong and I am beautiful and I can do anything.
Smile Pretty Nita
And they, unlike me, will believe it.
