I close my eyes
But I can't close my ears
I still hear you
I hear the silence you leave behind
When you are not around

I try to focus
Can't calm my mind down
To a reasonable speed
All I can do to stop from spinning out of control
Is to breathe in and out slowly

Not knowing how you are kills me
Not talking to you changes my day from bad to worst
In an instant we could connect
But you need to breathe too

Deep breathing
We are caught in the undertow
Heads above water
Why don't we walk on it
Sometimes I imagine that you are right here with me

So many times my mind has wandered off
Letting the shadows on the wall give me hope
I cannot easily define myself
Or my feeling
I don't want to talk about it

I want to write these words out of my system
Flush it out
Flush it all down the toilet
Burn it up
Burn it away
I have had enough of this melancholia

I just want to be needed
I am an addict
Addicted to myself
And also to you

I am shaking
Breaking apart into pieces
The edges are fraying
And I am melting down into a pool
A puddle of loneliness and misery

I should be alright
I am young, so resilient
So tough, I can adapt
Life goes on

But I need you
I write for catharsis
Let it all bleed out
You would understand that
You understand the draw of draining yourself

For a moment of feeling
For a minute of reality
Let the pain set in
Let the world fade out

I am caught up in this
I am so scared of living
Too

Don't throw me away
That is just what I expected
I wanted you to be different
Not abandoning me

I am muttering obscenities
At the top of my lungs
I sometimes wish I was never born
But all of it has been worth it
Even if we are just friends
In the past

That made it worth it
You are that important
I am not saying I won't ever move on
I am not saying you are the best thing that will ever happen to me
Just, you are the best thing yet

Using the words
I
Love
and You
I realize do not matter
Because you already know
That I care and I am there for you
In any and every way

Kissing you, although it would be great
I could not do it
I would not die without it
No matter how much I want it

I am writing this in order to let it out
I will probably make this public
Just because that is my nature
But I do not expect a response
Or even an acknowledgement

Mostly I just need to talk to you
To know you are still alive
Even though it scares you
Even though it scars you

I am so self involved
So self obsesses
But so focused on the negative aspects
I eat myself alive

I am funny
I can write
I am tall
I am a good listener

So I don't want to worry about anything
I do not need to freak out
I don't need the anxiety
But if it comes with you
I would take it
In a heartbeat