It is hard
To lay here and message you as a “friend”
After I envisioned a life with you
I contemplated what it is I wanted
Kids
Religion
Upbringing
What state to live in
Not seriously-but enough to make me ponder.
Seriously enough to make sure you knew I would only want to adopt
Serious enough to become exclusive for someone who enjoys many
To be aware of love bombing and to bask in its negative positivity
I was aware
I had the desire to be with you
And the fear of not being ready to have a serious relationship
Because I still miss Tony
And you apparently chose to admit you still miss your ex
Who I had asked about several times
And how do I be friends with this person
Who held me
And called me beautiful
And sang to me in German
And made me question what it is to believe in God again?
These are not the key reasons because I call myself beautiful, I sing to myself, I contemplate my deepest beliefs
I self reflect
So what was it, that made you so enticing
The allure of an intelligent, tall, nice, innocent, safe looking man?
In truth- in the moment I had plenty to complain about
In truth- even now I am thankful you did the difficult part
Because if we were “serious” I would be wanting to leave.
And now
We had a month of nothing
A month of vast unanswered questions
A month of anxiety at work for fear of running into you
A month of whining
A difficult month for work as well
But you want to be friends
Because you “value me” and get happy and excited to see me?
But this is not the same reaction for me anymore. My reaction is an aching heart and embarrassment across my cheeks. My reaction is over dramatic and self inflicted but it still brings me awkward feelings.
And I’m aware it is on my own terms
To become friends
But I want your friendship
But I cannot be friends with someone that still makes my heart skip a beat?
I cannot put myself in harms way more?
But am I?
I feel better, more calm and at peace knowing I can call you a friend
Or at least knowing I am not at war with you
Because you do not have power over me anymore
Or maybe it is simply less seemingly so in my brain

It is a dangerous game
I am aware
A toxic one perhaps
That feeds into my most peculiar masochistic tendencies
To desire what I cannot have
To achieve what does not want me
To reject what once rejected me

Was it rejection?
He knew he was not giving me the love I deserved and so he told me
And so he asked to be friends then
And so he asked to maintain
And I left
I put my shirt on and walked away

I should be grateful
It is a weird amount of feelings
And none of them combine well
To make a coherent and comprehensive conclusion
It amounts to emotional chaos
I wonder what the actual good term is for that