Every time I close my eyes I watch a 1000 tragedies pass before them
This is the curse of those with the unimaginable imagination
Every worry
Every doubt
Every fear for everyone I have ever loved
Becomes a full-length movie
I am forced to watch
Every time I try to rest or close my eyes or even think
Every time I am arguing and screaming and yelling against these imagined worlds
I have to repeat the mantra:
It's not real
This is not real
I have to force myself into cognitive lucid day dreaming
Some new framework from someone else's fantasy
That's happy
Where people love me and care
Then I wake up
I sit alone at home every night hoping I don't wake up from this dream
That these worlds can be real
But I know
One day the ones I fear most
Will be real
Hold On!
Take a breathe
It's not real
It's not real
It's just a story
Aren't we all stories?
Are you ok?
No, I'm not
But its none on your concern
Leave me alone
I'm always alone
No matter who's here
I have been so scarred by those who claim to love me
That I do not believe anything they say
Only when I see them actually act.
But, if I have to tell them that
Then I am forcing them into showing they care
Then, do they really?
Or do they feel obligated?
I don't care for those I do,
because I have to,
because I'm required to
I do not expect something in return
But I want it SO badly
And the problem is
that if I tell them this
It becomes about me
And this is not about me
I'm a parent
My life stopped being mine when he was born
But what about ME?
You should just let sleeping bears lie
Because this one can't sleep alone at night anymore
With his head so crowded with worlds full of travesty
I am so god damn angry all the time
At myself for letting myself feel this way
For needing someone else
I can't
I just can't anymore.
But I still do
I'm tethered to a web of fake memories and sins I know are not real
It's not real
It's not real
It's a ghost story that haunts
but with no substance
no form
no unfinished business
no one ever conducts ANY actual business
I am alone in the light of day
At night the endless voices scream out in silence
It is better for me to ignore you
than to unleash what I keep trapped inside
I care too much
For you to have to face that monster
Staying away is protecting you
If I ever let out what's in there
It will destroy you
It's the mask I wear so I don't crack into a million pieces
And take all of my worlds with me
STOP
You can stop right there
Forward stop having meaning years ago
When you lied to me and said, "I love you"
You actually want to show you care
You're going to have to try harder
And if the effort isn't there
Then your actions will speak for you
What you say
No longer does
I scream, WHY!" in chorus with my radio
WHY?
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse
Why do I feel this way?
It's not real
It's not real
What world am I in?
Is this one real?
Where do I exist?
Do I exist?