My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.