It began 8 years ago,
But I believed I couldn’t
Since I was told I was too
Young or I didn’t
Understand what it truly
Meant

I found solace in a
different way-
A dangerous way that
only provided
The temporary feeling of
Something other then just -
nothing.


I battled myself daily, wanting
Nothing more then to vanish into
another life

Easily, another life could’ve been better.
I wouldn’t lay there
staring at the ceiling
or
physically causing harm
just to feel something -

As I grew older
The less I dreamt of a new life
and allowed the dreams of making
mine better

And as time went on
Things did seem to get better.

I cleansed my space of the
physical and negative attractions
That I’ve accepted as a lifestyle.

I started accepting
new people into my life
Even though I knew they’d
drift away in time.

Then I became an adult,
And this is the hardest
thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve been floating through the days
In a haze and I need a *******
Change.

I understand now more
Then ever and
On a much more
personal level.

But, it’s been 8 years-
Four years since it’s ended
And an hour since I’ve had
An old thought
Of allowing myself to
Repeat history.

But as I think of it,
I have been

Just in a different way.