I’ve read about it.
Seen it in the movies.
Watched other people experience it.
Somehow
I got left out.
They told me I would.
They said it was because I could never matter.
I thought about that for a long time.
While other kids were playing.
I was walking around wondering.
Why?
For a while there I thought that surely someone would come along.
A person to whom my existence would mean something.
Instead I got the four horsemen.
To whom I loved as deeply as I could.
I raged hard against the tides that sought to hold me back.
To prove myself worthy.
In the end.
No matter what I did, I was still of no matter.
I watched from the gutter as the four them made their ways.
My days are closing in on me.
I’ve isolated myself.
I know now I’ll never know how.
Or why.
So I’ve gone from wondering to wandering.
Up and down the cavernous halls of my thoughts.
I still have questions.
That can’t be answered.
Idiotic, insipid, nonsensical, cringeworthy questions.
What is it like to be loved? To be wanted around? To be desired? To be cared for?
To matter?
Someone once told me.
“It’s like feeling the sun on your skin, even when it’s raining.”
I’ve been cold for so long.
I didn’t even know being warm was an option.