bright lights, background noise all blurs into one big wall my brain can’t process all these things at once I stare at other girls copy their mannerisms hiding myself from the outside world when I get home I run into my room take of this mask that I’ve worked so hard to develop only to hide everything about myself everything that makes me me just so I don’t get laughed at made fun of again I feel like an alien dropped down on an unfamiliar earth having to fit in pretending to be like everyone else but not understanding a single thing sarcasm, cues, it’s all bologna where are these rules written give me the book I’ll study it forever and still not get it but at least I’ll seem normal right? I stop myself when I get too excited my dad gives me a weird look when I talk about the brain an infinitely complex ***** that contains our whole life my body is a mere appendix I tell my friends about Latin etymology did you know the hippocampus is named after the seahorse? I hold my hands tightly to prevent myself from shaking them around like I want to social hierarchy what is it how does it work and how do you know it how many seconds do I stare into your eyes my seven-two rule I sometimes despise I immerse myself in fictional worlds observing the characters how they talk smile and move taking notes making flashcards all to appear normal did it work? it must have, right? been fooling everyone for sixteen years and it’s taking its toll on me it’s hard it was easier when I was a kid you just play beside another kid but now there are rules I have never learnt sarcasm is more prevalent just smile and laugh right? but what if you can’t even identify it always never enough criticism is my worst enemy my grades have to be perfect but why why I’m the smartest person in any room I’ve ever been in but I have to appear normal normal neurotypical allistic hiding myself but why imagine a world where everyone was like me and this mask would never even have existed there would be no stress I’d already fit right in perfectly no mask no hiding flapping my hands and talking about the brain about moths about criminal minds without judgement it sounds like a dream it actually was but this world is far more difficult I walk through a mall shutting myself in because if I don’t I’ll explode I close my eyes right as the bright flood lights pierce my brain I smile as the background noise hits me like a wall of unfamiliar loud pain I hide it well sometimes after a while it gets bad I run and find a dark store a worker asks me what do you need today I run back out and feel bad for days people talking, coins rattling it all blends together I can’t imagine a world where it doesn’t where my parents would let me wear my headphones without taunting me a world where I have never been called ******* stupid ****** loser sensitive from everyone I can mask well and that’s my downfall because nobody ever notices how hard I struggle deciphering these looks their tone of voice they’re joking right? years later I realize they weren’t they were making fun of me but you see I wouldn’t change my brain believe it or not it is who I am the feeling of telling people about my interests, watching my favourite tv shows, happy stimming, listening to music, my near perfect memory, recognizing patterns in everything it’s a blessing and a curse but it’s who I am I couldn’t imagine life without the excitement and passion I have now the feeling of flapping my hands and jumping nothing beats that the brain blur and tingle the dopamine flooding my brain it can be good even if the bad is still there this world wasn’t designed for me and I’m starting to realize that it was designed to exclude me other people must look at me and think wow she’s so strange but I’m thinking the same about them they walk around and go to parties how are you? I’m doing well, how are you? it’s nonsensical I’ve learned to copy them but at what cost is losing myself worth it all unmasking is incredible but it can be dangerous the bullying, the criticism even from your own parents can sting everything I’ve ever been called as an insult I remember it I remember it all I wish people could understand I’m not Sheldon Cooper I’m not a robot I probably have more emotion than you I show it differently I put on this mask to prevent hate from this society that is so ableist sixteen years of my life I’ve fooled everyone I wish I could go back and start over be the little alien I felt like inside not worry about the monsters because they weren’t under my bed they were everywhere else
it doesn’t really rhyme but just some of my thoughts- this is how it feels to be autistic.