I thought about you today
And this pathetic excuse of a "relationship" we have
Or pretend that ever existed
I've written a billion letters to say,
I hate you, why won't you stop hurting me, why am I not enough, well *******!
You're not enough!
I hate you!
We're done, were done, WERE DONE!
But, this cycle of never ending thoughts, questions and guilt and angst
It just never goes away
It'll dull for a little while and I'll think I'm finally past it....
Nope
And at 29 years old, I realize I'm no where the finish lane of this saga
Every solution I come up with just makes me feel worse than I did before
I wish you could just tell me what ever did I do, to be treated like such ****?
So unwanted?
Does it have to do with your dad and the way he treated you?
This shouldn't count as an excuse
And my mind is tired
Tired of being tired of never getting anywhere
Wanna be all cried out
But, I'm far from it
And I don't think you've ever shed one measly tear over me
All I ever needed was you to say "sorry"
And be truly "sorry"
It wouldn't undo the damage
But maybe... Just maybe it'd put it to bed
So I could go to ****** bed
And wake up ten times lighter
And not feel so **** small
And flip my thoughts right side up
And turn your voice down so low
I can't hear you
Your lips move but without sound they can't send an earth shattering blow to my heart anymore
Then after several breathes, a glance around
A smile will cross my face...
Because then my heart can finally start to heal
And I'm the driver
No longer spinning my wheels
No more "but daddy why?"
Acceptance of you and what we've been through and that it has end
Is the key I've been searching for all these years
Free
What an unexpected relief
What a desired gift
A perfect end....
One day
One day....
The finish line I'll triumphedly cross