Just 9 years and some months ago, I thought I made the best choice
And for the best reason
You weren't father material
And I refused to have my child grow up with an ******* father like I did
So that right there, took the choice off me and ultimately you made it for me
Now I've come to terms with the fact that No One but me, made that choice
Back then on some level I knew....
Because I cried, screamed, went through every bottle... And most of all
I hated you

Why I stayed for so long, I'll never know
Beside the loss, you were horrible to me
Always scattered bottles at your feet, and lines across the mirror
And my bruised reflection
Was it being only 20?
Was it you being my first serious boyfriend?
No
I hated being alone
But, I hated being around you almost if not more
Which started a lot of our fights
I'd go down swingin
But, I always went down
Constant questions about my appearance
About my mood
About the broken heart I wore on my sleeve
There is most definitely a fine line between love&hat;;
I'm not sure I actually ever loved you
But I knew for sure I hated you, I couldn't get further away from you in the bed at night
If I came home at all

I got away from you
You finally pushed me too far
And every bottled up emotion and angry word rose to the surface
I snapped us like a twig and I never looked back
No matter how much you begged
I tried being your friend, I tried having patience while you moved out your things and moved away from me
But, it wasn't enough, and that same sad face made an appearance here and there in that mirror
Until I smashed it to pieces and just told you to leave me alone for good
You took every opportunity to throw MY loss in my face
"You took away my choice." This would blind me with rage
On the day I told you, you were so ****** up that you didn't even skip a beat with going on doing your own thing
Leaving me and the question alone
I saw my future that day
I could've and should've tried another route
I didn't need to pay and neither did the loss
Now I worry, my karma will prevent me from feeling that tiny, tight grasp on my finger in the future

I've made peace with what choice I made
What choices I didn't make
They were mine
You played a part, but I coulda fought harder
I don't think I could admit I was scared shitless
Not that I couldn't do it, I would've had help
But, that I couldn't have protected the loss from you for forever
I wished I'd tried
I'll always miss you little lost one
Every February I'll shed tears for what was your arrival
I hope you've forgiven me
I just wanted what was best for you
I probably made a mistake or didn't think it through long enough
Idk where you are, but I hope I somewhat did the right thing
You'll always be my first
You'll always have a tiny, tight grasp on my heart
Always little lost one

Mommy's sorry....