Apr 2021
Follow the ride
Back to the core
Body of pain
Embodied insane moments
Seared into a young heart
Strength unformed
Will dormant
it wasn’t your fault
Rings hollow today
When the behavior wake
(From his mistake...)
The one that yes, I made
— To cope! I had to do something —
Leaves spots of blood on the floor
Some suffer in violence
Others in perverted love
Either way violation
Can’t be undone
Unraveling the thread
Of that leaden feeling
That deadened feeling that —
Of all the feelings not that
But that’s what it was and
Nothing can ever change
What happened
In the wake
A threshold gets
Crossed and it’s not
Your fault darling
I love you and always have
So grateful we crossed paths
Our East coast West coast magic
Leaves me ecstatic
Our struggle doesn’t have
To be tragic, we are
Just preparing for flight
I’ll never give up
On that, never, and I’ll
Never lose faith in us
If we don’t love, then
Love doesn’t
Even exist
I’ve been there
So many times
On the floor
Head in my hands
I would wail and no-one would come
Fake, they (you) thought —
Manipulative —
But it’s just this,
This ******* threshold
When the feeling —
When I feel it
I lose myself and seek
Insanity and destruction
I’m so sorry and
For so long I was
Ashamed
But lately I’ve felt
Just how far self-hate
Can go — I know
Take responsibility, yes
But — owning it
Doesn’t mean
Believing your
Essence is a
Mistake!
🦋
I did make
A lot of mistakes
Like you - that’s
Not a criticism, baby
It’s human we all
Fail, that’s how
We learn
I promise, though.
I promise to you
On my personal honor,
You know what I’m talking
About — it will stop
I didn’t think it
Was about this
But it is and
Please forgive me!
How long it took!
To figure it
Out since
The Days Inn
Glendale —August and
Everything after I
Just assumed
Because of the dream
I had where he and I were
Just innocently playing
That I was healed
But I didn’t do the
Work, baby I
Didn’t do the
******* work
I expected you
To save me
But that’s my job and
You deserve
Safe harbor, too
Let’s give it
To ourselves
And to
Each other.
Let’s put a blanket
On the ground and
Lay on our
Grandmother Earth
I am ten, you are fourteen
Let Her hold our child’s
Hearts
(And those of
Our siblings too)
Let us be cradled
By creation
Let the sky see
Our gratitude
For this life,
And for our time
Here together.
Back to the core
Body of pain
Embodied insane moments
Seared into a young heart
Strength unformed
Will dormant
it wasn’t your fault
Rings hollow today
When the behavior wake
(From his mistake...)
The one that yes, I made
— To cope! I had to do something —
Leaves spots of blood on the floor
Some suffer in violence
Others in perverted love
Either way violation
Can’t be undone
Unraveling the thread
Of that leaden feeling
That deadened feeling that —
Of all the feelings not that
But that’s what it was and
Nothing can ever change
What happened
In the wake
A threshold gets
Crossed and it’s not
Your fault darling
I love you and always have
So grateful we crossed paths
Our East coast West coast magic
Leaves me ecstatic
Our struggle doesn’t have
To be tragic, we are
Just preparing for flight
I’ll never give up
On that, never, and I’ll
Never lose faith in us
If we don’t love, then
Love doesn’t
Even exist
I’ve been there
So many times
On the floor
Head in my hands
I would wail and no-one would come
Fake, they (you) thought —
Manipulative —
But it’s just this,
This ******* threshold
When the feeling —
When I feel it
I lose myself and seek
Insanity and destruction
I’m so sorry and
For so long I was
Ashamed
But lately I’ve felt
Just how far self-hate
Can go — I know
Take responsibility, yes
But — owning it
Doesn’t mean
Believing your
Essence is a
Mistake!
🦋
I did make
A lot of mistakes
Like you - that’s
Not a criticism, baby
It’s human we all
Fail, that’s how
We learn
I promise, though.
I promise to you
On my personal honor,
You know what I’m talking
About — it will stop
I didn’t think it
Was about this
But it is and
Please forgive me!
How long it took!
To figure it
Out since
The Days Inn
Glendale —August and
Everything after I
Just assumed
Because of the dream
I had where he and I were
Just innocently playing
That I was healed
But I didn’t do the
Work, baby I
Didn’t do the
******* work
I expected you
To save me
But that’s my job and
You deserve
Safe harbor, too
Let’s give it
To ourselves
And to
Each other.
Let’s put a blanket
On the ground and
Lay on our
Grandmother Earth
I am ten, you are fourteen
Let Her hold our child’s
Hearts
(And those of
Our siblings too)
Let us be cradled
By creation
Let the sky see
Our gratitude
For this life,
And for our time
Here together.
Childhood wounds — the kind that ******* up for life — can be like a comfortable blanket we cover ourselves in. When the wound gets activated we cuddle in the blanket. Unfortunately, sometimes this blanket consists of harmful behavior, violence even. This “behavior wake” from the original wound is now something that we use to recreate the wound - and to externalize it so that the pain is comprehensible. That core wound has almost been forgotten, now it’s the behavior wake wreaking havoc. And it feels so justified to scream...but it never helps because I’m screaming at the wrong root cause.
Only *I* can take responsibility for the things I do or say. It’s got nothing to do with the person who hurt me so long ago or the person I’m struggling with today.
Brother, when you told me about the dream of a stack of dishes (“dishes break”) it started making sense and now a few days later it makes all the sense in the world. I asked and heard the answer in my head clear as day.
Only *I* can take responsibility for the things I do or say. It’s got nothing to do with the person who hurt me so long ago or the person I’m struggling with today.
Brother, when you told me about the dream of a stack of dishes (“dishes break”) it started making sense and now a few days later it makes all the sense in the world. I asked and heard the answer in my head clear as day.
