I remember many nights
When I would lay next to you
Usually in silence
Stroke your hair
Listen to you breathe
And kiss every finger tip
Until you fell asleep
As much as I wanted to stay
And spend the night next to you
I knew that wasn't what you wanted
I would force myself out of bed
And tiptoe out your back door
Walk through the mud in your back yard
To reach my car
I would get in and sit
Motionless
Waiting for my body to do something
I would think
And feel
I loved you so much in those moments
But almost as deeply
I felt alone
There was vague happiness
Satisfaction only in the knowledge
That I had satisfied you
So I would drive the long road home
Often listen to our favorite songs
And cry
Just to reach my house
In the middle of the night
And crawl into an empty bed
Never failing to remind me
That I was
Alone