I don’t believe I’ve ever felt true happiness,
Only small moments of joy in a sea of sadness.
I don’t know what I’d do if I ever became truly happy.
Maybe I’d not cry myself to sleep anymore,
Or stop imagining my own death,
But who knows?
Definitely not me.

I don’t believe I’ve ever been not sad,
Not even during the best moments of my life.
Even in times that should’ve been total joy,
I felt overwhelming sadness.
Sad because this moment would end,
Sad because everyone else’s happiness extended past the night.
I was sad about anything I could be sad about
And things I should’ve been happy about.

I don’t believe I’ve ever understood how people can say,
“just be happy”
Trust me,
I ******* would if I ******* could.

But at this point,
I don’t believe I know how to be happy.