my nerves made me a
'pleasure to have in class'
even as they chewed through my sanity
like a caterpillar through a cocoon

keeping to myself made me
'mature' and 'independent'
even as i made myself the **** end
of another self deprecating joke

people don't notice when i'm
'quiet' because i'm always 'quiet'
but being 'quiet' made me unproblematic;
the only thing i was good at being

so now that i need
help

i can't-- i can't

i wasn't ready to be a butterfly
i wasn't ready to fly at all