attempting to hold my breath
but i'm the antithesis of calm
in four hold seven out eight
but my ability to detach is gone
taken and replaced with an
all consuming dread
i try to have normal thoughts
but my brain screams he's dead he's dead HE'S DEAD
need to get a hold on it
but can't stop shaking uncontrollably
saying swear i gotta gain control of this
yet i'm spiraling inconsolably
nothing is effective
though i'd die to make something work
how can i convince others
if i can't convince myself first
how can i make it better
always making things worse
how can i go about this
without having it hurt
giving it my best and all
but ******* up per usual
maybe the fact i thought i had a chance
was beyond ******* delusional
i just wanna make it better
but i keep bleeding all over the place
i fall and i bawl and i claw into myself day after day
but nothing i do even touches the stains

much less being able to make them go away