Oct 2020
Before:
Popping pills, crying over repulsing choices, murdering any feelings of remorse. Despising the conditions of living, conditionally adoring whatever roommate existed at the time. Breaking the vows I took with myself. Listening to the echos of my demons in the walls and windows. My curtains cover all responsibility to world and allow me to be miserable, which I’m impeccably grateful for. Terrified, of what will happen next. Whether it be death, overdose, or psychiatric institutionalization, I don’t want it to happen.
During:
I gave my friend $40 worth of ****, for 10, 25mg Adderall XR pills. I got home and started breaking them apart. I was separating the casing from the stimulant part (small beads to snort.) I then smoked 2 blunts and downed 8 key-sized scoops of Adderall. Which totaled to 6 pills. And then I started to not feel good, like I overdosed. So I messaged a friend hoping she’d know what to do. Well, she called the police. Once I heard the sirens, I ran to the bathroom and snorted the rest of whatever was left. I went to the E.R, was hospitalized for an overdose, and was evicted the morning I came back.
After:
Green grass, gray kitten, millions on millions of art supplies and a dreamy relationship with livelihood. A place of my own exists downstairs and I coexist with others. I cry less often that I need to, and I’m learning to see the beauty in absolutely everything. Coffee tastes best with a 1/2 teaspoon of sugar, some whole milk, and a bit of pumpkin spice seasoning. It tastes like fall in a cup and in the spring, it’s the best thing ever. I look outdoors while my eyes glaze upon the curious chickens, demented ducks, and beautiful Bella the German Shepard. I drive to places every now and then, and it always sparks joy. I’m no longer eating whole pizzas and 2 liter’s of soda. I’m running after toddlers and building fires, I’m playing with cats and eating Nutella on graham crackers. I’m okay. Things aren’t perfect. But it’s new. It’s a fresh start.
Popping pills, crying over repulsing choices, murdering any feelings of remorse. Despising the conditions of living, conditionally adoring whatever roommate existed at the time. Breaking the vows I took with myself. Listening to the echos of my demons in the walls and windows. My curtains cover all responsibility to world and allow me to be miserable, which I’m impeccably grateful for. Terrified, of what will happen next. Whether it be death, overdose, or psychiatric institutionalization, I don’t want it to happen.
During:
I gave my friend $40 worth of ****, for 10, 25mg Adderall XR pills. I got home and started breaking them apart. I was separating the casing from the stimulant part (small beads to snort.) I then smoked 2 blunts and downed 8 key-sized scoops of Adderall. Which totaled to 6 pills. And then I started to not feel good, like I overdosed. So I messaged a friend hoping she’d know what to do. Well, she called the police. Once I heard the sirens, I ran to the bathroom and snorted the rest of whatever was left. I went to the E.R, was hospitalized for an overdose, and was evicted the morning I came back.
After:
Green grass, gray kitten, millions on millions of art supplies and a dreamy relationship with livelihood. A place of my own exists downstairs and I coexist with others. I cry less often that I need to, and I’m learning to see the beauty in absolutely everything. Coffee tastes best with a 1/2 teaspoon of sugar, some whole milk, and a bit of pumpkin spice seasoning. It tastes like fall in a cup and in the spring, it’s the best thing ever. I look outdoors while my eyes glaze upon the curious chickens, demented ducks, and beautiful Bella the German Shepard. I drive to places every now and then, and it always sparks joy. I’m no longer eating whole pizzas and 2 liter’s of soda. I’m running after toddlers and building fires, I’m playing with cats and eating Nutella on graham crackers. I’m okay. Things aren’t perfect. But it’s new. It’s a fresh start.
