For the first time in my life
I feel like I have no career.

It all came to a halt
Suddenly and without warning
Just like
Stopped mid sea, mid stream
I was burning so quick so thick
Mask up, headed home till who knows when
Cameras stopped rolling
I tried to pour myself into scripts
No longer sure how to keep going
Submerged myself into a plethora of baths
I got to a place recently where I thought
Maybe, just maybe
Its so good for me to take a hiatus
Maybe, just maybe this break in time
Is a little piece of paradise.
Heaven.
Quiet.

I've gotten so much self esteem,
Identity captial
Off cha-ching-cha-ching
Web and video screens
Make me hum and sing
I want all the recognition
I want all the attention
I want all the status
Power
More power
More notice
Climbing up an invisible ladder
That's how I always saw it
That's how I always saw me
Forever longing and striving
To win

I'm not sure there is anything to win now
I don't really cash in the way I once did
I, like many of us
Have been stripped of the thing I got so much fuel
So much power out of
Into just being well
Myself.

Love, real, grounded love
Entered into my life
Before I made the biggest transition
Flying away yet again
This time from Chicago to LA
And that, that within itself is such a feat
Such a dream
But I just don't know where my future pay checks will be coming from
I don't know how I'll be able to afford to live the kind of life
I so badly want to live
I don't know how I'll reach the next level
I probably should enter more contests
I should write more
Do more
Work out more
Put myself out there more
Climb
Climb
Climb
No aspiration is too big
That's what I always felt
That's what I always believed.

But its quiet now
In the moments I invite in
Its no longer about reaching the next thing
Or checking off wins
Staying up late into the night working
(Though I sometimes still do)

The purpose of coming to LA
Was always to simplify
To specify
To let the loud loud sounds
The raging noise
Of anything insignificant subside
I don't have to compare myself to anyone
And its been so difficult
To watch other people have such large wins
When I feel like I'm just trying to
Catch my breath

And embark on this level up.