If there was a chance for me to disengage
every ounce of affection for you in this day and age,
I would have done it a long time ago.

But unknowingly,
I always end up wounded by the shrapnel of your bombs,
causing me to fall down hard.
But I stand back up harder.

I wonder why I always wake up dissatisfied
with way the sun sets
or with the way the mountains coordinate with the sky---

---they’re beautiful.
I could write about them.
But there’s still not a genuine smile on my face.

How fate has always toyed with me;
twisting and snapping the very bones of hope I have kept in my closet..
How life in general is funny;
because I’m happy for a minute and I reel back into the darkness that feels like an eternity.

It has got me whining, and crying like a brat.
I have kept asking and asking,
begging and pleading--

---I just wanted my own peace,
my solitude, and sanctuary;
my own person.
I just wanted you.

But then I am just one of the buds in your flower fields
that you happened to just pick out of the blue.
And to me, you were the unexpected deviation of my usual routine
that I made a fantasy out of.


So here I am,
daydreaming like a stupid girl.
But hey, this is just me and my heart
I still remember.

And I’d live with it until I fade
Only flowing, never forcing.

-c.s. (083018)