and I still get very nostalgic
about the first boy I kissed
and the tentacles of it
not light and fluffy at all
he was my best friend
and I get very alarmed by this life
and how short it can fall
he used to say that
"nobody gets me like you do."
but I didnt know who he was
I still dont know who or what is behind that cloak of darkness
what real stories are behind that bookshelf
and it was alarming and scary and DANGEROUS
and thats how I feel
but who's to know what I feel
because I like it that way
you'll never know whats on my heart
on my mind, on my mind, on my mind
running
in loops
because
it's ****** alarming, and scary and DANGEROUS
its what makes me do what I do
lately
on your computer
The urge to violate the trust
because I am suddanly fearful
that the boy that I love is doing what I said he could
because I wanted your love
I still need it
and here I am
moving in with you
and it's racing in my mind
where's Sonia gonna sleep?
WHERE'S SONIA GONNA SLEEP?
In our bed?
no, your bed
but in my head its OUR bed
the one in which I CAN ALWAYS FIND SLEEP
and its killing me inside
because I said you could because I wanted you to
and I've always been like that
freedom
freedom to those I LOVE!
but I'm crippled when I'm with you
my mind and logic are lopsided
because I'm in LOVE WITH YOU
and it hurts!
I'm FAIR and RIGHTOUS and BALANCED
but it's like you walked on into there
and you hold and grasp
and the tables become violently upturned
and the vases all break
shards of glass and water is EVERYWHERE
EMBEDED in my memory
in the walls of my beating heart
and the glass is carried throughout my blood vessels
and I'm PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING
Oh god AM I PRAYING
that a  little peice should find its way to a major artery
and do me in there!
put an end to my painful existence in your sweet and tender arms
but then
WAIT! STOP!
I'M IN LOVE! AND I LIKE IT HERE!
PLEASE DONT **** ME!
So that I dont feel an ounce of pain
before it hits me like a rock
****** from my heart down to my GUTS
ITS A MERCY KILLING!
Have MERCY on my heart!
ITS TENDER!
BEHIND ITS FAIR, RIGHTOUS WALLS
IT'S SENT CHAOTIC
DISTURBED BY HOW DEEPLY IT FEELS
HOW DEEPLY IT CONNECTS
AND HOW DEEPLY YOU REACH ME THERE!
MAKE IT STOP
BEFORE I MYSELF AM SENT INTO SHARDS
MY PSYCHE IN SUTURES
I DONT LET MYSELF HURT
I GO STRAIGHT TO SCAR TISSUE
Because I made an OATH to myself to NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN!!!
but your healing touch is egging me on
reaching me slowly
and its killing me
with feathery kiss
so kiss her
so make love to her
and I will struggle with the fact that I know
as a Christian God would know
that I am special to you
that I am yours
that nobody will replace me
as you yourself have said
with words and soul parts
and intimate parts
because I value your freedom in the way you value mine
in the way that lights me up
and sets me free
but still I will loose my senses
because thats the first sign that I've allowed myself to feel
to be in love
with you