i have been through it all and i have been thrown out of it all
it is so hard to be told that you are okay and you are not suffering
it is even harder to be told this a lot by the people who are supposed to care for you
it is hard to feel like you should be better because you act like you are better but in reality your actions are dissonant
because you think so much about how you are still in the same place you were when people said you were not okay
said that you were dying
said that you were crazy
that you were bad
you were frustrated
but they said that you needed to find control in yourself
how do you find something you never existed in the first place
how do you learn who you are after everyone has failed you and you need to heal on your own now
because regardless of how widely recognized and validated mental illness is they expect it to go away if they do everything right
but you know, i know, it does not disappear so simply
it is not so simple
it is so very hard
i feel broken but i look put together so they say i am fine i do not need anything more
i am angry because i am still very sad and very small and i have not learned how to grow yet
i am a seed in a prosperous garden but i will not grow
and they will see i have not grown and they will ask what is wrong
and i will tell them that i've been this way since i was planted
but no one thought to look deeper than the surface
no one thought to actually listen to the plant themself
so i will remain in dormancy and maybe
just maybe
they will forget about me entirely