"why would you ever think that someone wouldn't want you?"

you looked in my eyes with earnest.

"I suppose at one time, I did feel that way, I guess".

~

half-truth, and half a lie.
for I still feel that way most of the time.

I suppose it is difficult for most to see
through my eyes and smiles,
sundress waving in the breeze
the damage that lurks dangerously underneath.

an ugly monster threatens to seep out from within.
runs its tongue along my cheek,
drags its nails against my skin.  

one of disgust for who I am,
I've never loved myself, and I don't understand

why I was made this way?

to wake up and hate myself every day
to feel unworthy of real love or affection
to crave but be so afraid of real connection.

perhaps the damage was done long ago,
I let my foundation rot and crumble
continued to pile brick on top of stone.

from the outside I suppose,
I've built a fortress
beautiful and bold.

I look pretty, sane, and sound.
my dreams as high and limitless as the clouds.
but one step into my fragile mind

and it all

comes

crumbling

down.