i can see you, you know
i can see when you look at me for just a hair too long
your wandering eyes when i wear a shirt a little too tight
or even your own brothers sweatpants

your laugh rings in my head like a bell, matching perfectly
with that smile and
those eyes
blue, not like his
yours are soft
his are icey

you have the same parents, there's only 15 months between you
youre closer to my age, but i have a thing for older boys
so the older brother it was
we weren't even friends
not even before i met your brother
maybe your eyes fall on my body because i look like her
i look like most of the girls you mess around with
modestly curvy,
mess of brown curls
tan skin, brown eyes

i shouldnt dream about you the way i do
i shouldnt think about you the way i do
my thoughts should most definitely be focused on the other "S" boy
in your family

i get too excited when you're going to be around
even though you make me so nervous
i could choke on the tension in the air
it's like being allergic to chocolate
you cant
you wont
you shouldnt EVER
IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE CROSSED YOUR BRAIN
but you just want a small bite
a nibble
just a taste
a single
sloppy
backseat
taste.

that's a lie though
a fantasy that never happened
i fantasize a lot about you
oh yes
and im glad im the only one with a key to my brain
i dont want anyone to have the slightest PEEK
inside the
Simon vault

most of my fantasies are so innocent
so elementary
it makes me
wonder if i ever even grew up
"maybe, just maybe, he'll look me in the eyes today"
"possibly even nod my way"
except the Simon i know doesnt do that
he doesn't even acknowledge me
ever

ive been told his only personality trait is drifting cars
sometimes my head wanders to
possibilities
but theyre so forbidden

sure
ive thought about everything there really is to think about
not only between
girl
and
boy
but between
friend
and
friend
once between
crush
and
crush
innocent kisses is all i think about
never more
i feel like im betraying the other "S" that way

i thought writing this would make me feel better
but instead i can feel 20 pounds
slowly lowering down on me
im getting hot
definitely not needy
hot under his sweatshirt
no, not Simon's
im not ******* stupid
i could never seek him out

Spencer wants to know
i want someone to know
not Spencer, not Karly, not anyone
Simon.

maybe its because of the faulty answer
he told me when someone
told me
anonymously (******* **** ****)
that he's got a crush
that mess of limbs and laughs and ..very.. little wit and
(god that smile will be the death of me)
on me
me
me
i guess i look similar to her
brown curls and tan skin and brown eyes
similar height, weight, cup size
hell, even our ***** are the same
we both wear loungewear like its regular clothes
same sense of humor
but like
ive got freckles, trauma, i overshare
shes fine, as far as i know

i need to drop it before i manifest feelings back
before i manifest your thoughts back to me
i dont know if i need them or if theyre the last thing i need