when my door closed, i felt the wave again. the same wave i felt as i drifted off to sleep during the day and the same wave i feel as i go to sleep every night. this wave of sadness and it makes me feel small again.i'm reminded of every reason i'm not enough, reminded of every reason why no one could ever love me.

and i cry. it takes a while to get to my bed but i do it. the tears running down my face and i look at nothing and think of you. you. closing my eyes, it hits me harder. it's hard to breathe now. i sit back and let it take me. i let the wave hit me over and over again, trying to deep breaths, just like how everyone taught me.

it's not enough. because even i slow my breathing, even if the tears stop, it's all still there. i still feel small, i still feel inadequate. and i scan my room like it'll give me answers but the only thing it gifts me is reminders. i can still see these past stained walls through both the sun and moonlight.

eventually, i'll be able to close my eyes without tears slipping from them. and that's when i'll be ready to, hopefully, feel nothing until the sun comes up. if i'm lucky, my dreams will be nothing. if i'm lucky, i'll sleep through my alarms. if i'm lucky, i'll wake up feeling better.