I had an episode yesterday
I didn’t mean to
I just couldn’t stop crying
I was hyperventilating
Crying so hard that I could be heard in the next room
Harsh loud sobs that I had to cover with a shirt because I kept getting yelled at
I gagged and eventually, I had to take it out but I just couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop thinking that I was a mistake and how I didn’t deserve to live
How everyone does everything for me and I just take it for granted
I try not to talk back but I get so defensive and I don’t think before I talk
I get into things and don’t listen even though I’m 17 and I’m old enough to know
My brain just keeps thinking about it and thinking about it
Then I tell myself no
But then I think about it again
And take only a little bit because then no one will notice
But they do
Then when I get in trouble I cry
Because I feel like I’m no good
And I feel so guilty
I know it’s my fault
I know I ******* up
But I can’t stop crying
Then I got so upset that my nose started bleeding
I was rocking, holding the stuffed cow my mom gave me
And I thought It was just hot tears coming out fast
But they started to rain faster
And I looked down, It was blood
All over my cow
So I started to ball
Because I was afraid he was ruined
That I could never hold him again
And think of the good parts of my old life
The horrible life I can’t seem to throw away
So I put him into the washer
Got detergent everywhere because I was rushing
Got yelled at again about how I can’t just do that
Got yelled at again to stop crying
Told there's nothing to cry about
And there wasn’t
It’s been a week since I’ve taken my meds
I take anti-depressants and antipsychotics
It’s hard to go cold turkey
It’s been more like a week and a half
I don’t know but it seems like forever
Nothing makes me happy
I’ve been depressed for weeks
First I was angry for months
Now I can’t even be the same person I was
Except on holidays
Except when I’m having a lowkey day
And finally, pull myself together
No one believes that I’m suicidal
Like it’s such a rare thing to be
I want to cut
I want to throw myself off a cliff into a river
I want to do something
I want to overdose like I always resort to doing
But I can’t because the pills in the cabinet aren't mine
And I’m not going to steal from the people who care about me the most
I just wish they’d kick me out
Stop caring so much
Because I don’t deserve it
I done so many dumb stupid mean things
I can’t let it go
I can’t get over it when everyone thinks I’m so nice and sweet and perfect
I’m not
I didn’t want to get up this morning
I just wanted to lay there
I still do
Because the blanket is so warm
When the rest of me is freezing
Like a big warm hug
I can’t show this to anyone
Because they’d just put me in a hospital
And I can’t go back
I don’t deserve the friends I have
Most of them are so good to me
But they have other people they’re best friends with
And I ditched them all when I shouldn’t have
Now I regret it
I’m not mad at anyone
I just don’t want to talk
Explain myself again
When no one understands
Or belives me
And tries to tell me
That what I’m feeling isn’t really what I’m feeling
How would they know
They haven’t been inside my head
I probably need to go to a hospital
Even I know this
But I can’t
I have school I have to go to
I have everything I could possibly want
I shouldn’t be upset