today i was reading my sociology textbook
and listening to a spotify station from a song that already had memories associated with someone i care about who left me
then
an even more relatable song came on
and i spiraled
hard
i thought about ending it again
i went to a friends dorm so i wouldn't be alone
but i left and spiraled again
i hope i can sleep before 2 am
whenever i have an exam in the morning something bad happens the night before

do you know what really ******* hurts?
he used to cry to me
and i had to tell him i couldn't see him anymore
because i can't trust him anymore
and i can't keep letting people back in who have broken me so badly
after promising that they would be the ones to fix me
isn't that ******?
that i have to hurt someone to fix myself?
even though it hurts so bad telling that person that i can't see them

"we can't even be in the same room"
Cuz I’ll make myself feel all of this
If it’s all that I got left of you"

i ******* miss you so much Caleb
and i hear all of our friends rave about how much they love you
and all it does is shatter me over and over
you aren't a bad guy
it is just an unfortunate situation
and even worse timing
i'm sorry i can't be there for you anymore
i hope it doesn't hurt too bad
i hope you understand
i hope you can forgive me
please stop loving me so i can stop loving you
if that's even possible
i don't think i'll ever stop loving you
but then i wonder if i ever loved you as more than just friends
and that hurts even worse
i had the chance to make you mine
and now i don't even have you in my life

i hope she is good to you
you deserve the world
one day you will be happy
i have to believe that
i have to believe you will be okay without me
because i am trying to be okay without you
i have to be okay without you
i have to be okay some day
i just have to be
i miss the old me and i am desperately trying to get her back
i will love myself again one day