association

i will always associate back flips

with my first "boyfriend" in the third

grade who has probably now grown

up to be the type of guy who takes

pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom

mirror and tells his girlfriend that she's pretty

but not quite as pretty as he is.

i will always associate playgrounds

with my elementary school sweetheart

and hearing my favorite love song and

him walking five steps behind and defending

me when he thought i needed it.

i will always associate the rain

with wet tables and standing up

and laughing with friends and talking

and being wrapped in someone's arms

for the very first time and hearing "i missed you."

i will always associate "almosts" with the guy

i never really realized i wanted until it was too late

and seeing him walk around holding the hand of the

girl who wanted him when i didn't and seeing him kiss

her the way he wanted to kiss me once upon a time

and with ******** up really really irreparably bad this time.

i will always associate short time periods with the two weeks

when i belonged to someone I never expected to want,

when he kissed me like i mattered,

when he held me as though he would never let go

and then told me we should "take a break" and

come back to us when the "time was right."

and i will always associate happiness with these times

when i was loved and wanted and needed for just a little while

and believing for just a moment that i was special.

and you know what else?

i will always associate failure with the entrance of something better

i will associate failure with a narrow escape because if it were meant

for me to have then i would have had it but it's not so i don't.

i will always associate life with beautiful complications.

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