******* silly
To think of you at all
To still feel a little sick
That's the problem with moving, you find all those things you hid from yourself
Pictures and love letters
The hate letters that followed
Over the years my memories of you have condensed into a tangle of feelings
Small, but heavy
Love and love and love
Summertime mornings white house blue trim rooftop wildflower bouquets
Atmosphere backyards sunshine is fine for making up
Naked in the lake, maps and
Sheets with ducks
Heartbreak and rage
So lonely
Never enough in the winter, cell phone turned off
Shame and humiliation, regret and guilt
Sick to my stomach
*****
All the things you've called me because of things I'd done before
And now after
You
Had no right
You wouldn't believe how long I've spent trying to cut your words out of my spine
The half-life of all that hurt and
The minefield of defenses you left littered around my heart
It's been three years since the three years that we spent together came to an end
One year since I got your final letter
It was the last goodbye between you and I
And for the most part I don't think of you anymore
I've forgotten far more than I remember about the feel of you
But every January 21st I still look up at the night sky and hear your voice
Telling me that winter stars are the brightest
I wonder if you think of me too
I hope you don't a little more than I hope you do
All the ways I felt about you, each truth making the last untrue
Are tangled in a tight little knot in the back of my mind
Shadows of words that hide in my spine
An unlabelled box in the garage
I couldn't bring myself to throw you away all the way
I hope I never see you again