I cannot explain how much pain I am in. I curse myself for thinking I had made a clean break, let alone a break at all. I don't know if that had anything to do with this immense pain, not that it could be any worse. I am not angry with you, but I still crave making you feel guilty, even though you've done nothing to me. This was no ones fault, I think. Natural consequences at the most. But not even that. Again, I cannot really express how much pain I am in. Everything I do exhausts me beyond belief, every thought that enters my head just tortures me in inchorehence. I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore. Though I've yet to make any action to harm myself or anyone else, my thoughts feel morbid and violent. I feel disgusted with myself and my actions, everything I do. I thought I'd finally gotten over you, maybe even found someone else until last night.
I still can't believe how one infinitesimal hug could have effed me up so badly. Well, I doubt it was the hug itself. That was probably just the cherry on top of the feelings I can't seem to escape no matter who much I want to. Life would be so much simpler if I could just let this go. I don't know why I can't. Everything that's happening around me is confusing and infuriating and I feel like I can't control any of it. The things I want are getting mixed up with the things I detest and now everything disgusts me. There are two adorable toddlers downstairs in my house and I can bring myself to go play with them because I find no happiness in in anymore, let alone anything else. I love those girls with all my heart, I can hear them right now watching Cinderella, but I just can't.

I'm scared. Of everything. I pride myself on being smart, on being aware of myself and my faults and of others. Everything that's happening to me angers me so greatly I guess because I don't understand it. Just when I think I've escaped you, and just when I think I've found someone else, I have to go and get so effing hormonal and fickle about it. **** being a teenager, I hate it more and more each day. I'm pretty smart, I know I'm capable of so much but I feel trapped inside this adolescent, growing body that I cannot WAIT to leave behind. This is hell for me. And all my feelings for you, and for this other guy . . . Only makes everything more confusing and infuriating. This is not anger, this is fury. I am furious at everything and everyone and I don't know why. I am so hurt, and I am so miserable. I've sought help and council and none of it has helped.
What am I to do? With you? With him? With myself? Everything feels like more weight, more burden, I want to serve, I want to help, I just want to be like before. I miss being happy all the time, now everything feels like work. I pretend to be happy at school and church so much that I don't know when I'm actually happy or when I'm faking it. I come home and just collapse with a plate of food in front of the TV and wait until my headache returns so I have an excuse to keep myself from crying. I'm always thinking horrible, violent thoughts that scare the **** out of me. I hardly sleep anymore. I'm terrified at night. I've been struggling with my faith recently and I'm convinced one of these nights something will come for me in my doubt. I lie to the people who could help me, I tell them I'm fine because the thought of having to explain all of this to someone, having to answer more questions I don't know the answers to just makes me feel worse. I lie to my parents because I know that when I start answering "I don't know" to all their questions that they will be angry with me.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know if it will go away, when or how. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what to do. I don't now whats wrong with me. I just hope to God it ends soon.