I don’t want to measure this in words
I don’t want to explain or understand
I have been breathing in pure chaos
and there is no oxygen in it

I am dizzy with it

my insides, my outside
my life, my mind
we are tangled Christmas lights

a Gordian knot
but the knife never cuts deep enough

I self medicate with distraction
I drink too much
I think too much
but always end up here
with the bottle too empty
and my head too full
and I don’t have the energy that this desperation needs