I think to myself,
a great deal of things
that weigh heavily on my mind
I can't seem to express
this feeling I have
and how deep within myself
it resonates
I feel like a small but important part of me
is dying on the inside
it's shriveling into nothingness
I find that i'm not angry
and i'm not scared
i'm just sad
and depressed
and this feeling
circles through my body
unrelenting against my emotional capacity
I passed my breaking point
a long time ago
but the sadness escalates
and spills over
flowing into others
and it spreads like wildfire
it just crushes me
to no end
and I can't cry
believe me i've tried
sometimes all I want
is to cry
but no tears will fall from my eyes
there would only be the strangled gasps
of someone who is sobbing
and i'm tired of it
i'm tired of being sad
but to me
it looks like
I won't stop being sad
and i've been thinking
for a long time now
about death,
and when I go
i'll hate that i'll leave everyone I love
behind
but to me
dying isn't a morbid thought
it's just life
and it must be accepted
as always
and when I go
whether I die young
or old
if I come to a natural end
or a not
life will go on
it's a never ending of cycle
of love and pain
a dangerous cycle
as I see it
there is so much in life to enjoy
and I know this
i'm aware
and I try not to be so absorbed in myself
so I can live
and pull out of this shell
that I have been rebuilding for months
but it's getting even harder to manage
I don't feel in control of myself
and the problems my family and I face
every single day
tears me apart
I miss the days when I was a little kid
yes i'm still young
and i'm techinically still a kid
however I feel older
this situation that i've been put in
forced me to grow up faster
not everyone has nieces and nephews when they're only twelve
and not everyone has to deal
with my irresponsible half brother who is in his twenties
and his girlfriend
who is the mother of these children
and not a good mother at all
she's cruel
just awful to these children
that's the reason one of my nephews lives with us
everything is just barely staying together
held as tight as a single thin thread can hold
and i'm the thread
I don't like the weight
and the tugging
and yanking
of the way everything is going
I feel like one day
i'll just collapse from it all
and the thread will snap
and I will fall to dizzying darkness
while the everything else
just spirals out of control