I recognize my privilege.
I recognize my uselessness.
I recognize my inability to function.
I recognize that I may not be capable/disabled physically. But I am emotionally and mentally.
Though most of the voices are dimmed and quieter than before. They are not gone.
I feel them at the back of my mind.
Pressing at the barrier that is inforced by medication.
My self-loathing is stronger than ever though.
At every and one situation where I keep failing them.
At every and one situation where I keep being a disappointment.
At every and one situation where I am a disgrace to my mother's memory.
I know I am garbage.
I know I am worthless.
I know I am privileged
And Gods do I know I don't deserve anything I have.
Maybe I am proving that bitch right.
But the thing is.
I didn't ask for this.
For whatever broken thing that makes my DNA.
I didn't ask for this existence. This life.
I must have done something terrible in my past life to have been born so broken and in disrepair in this one.
I want to throw up. I want to die.
I don't want to be a part of this collective.
I don't want to breath anymore.
Let me drown.
Let me break my body into pieces against hard asphalt.
Let me suffocate in a car filled with gas.
Let me hang from a tree in the most secluded part of the park.
Let me drink the poisons under the sink.
Let me starve myself until my heart gives.
Let me burn underneath the hot sun until only the crows come to great me.
Let me fall from the highest point of a cliff.
Let me drink all the pills in the bottles to numb me to sleep.
Let me slit my veins vertically across my arms.
Let me puncture an artery so I may bleed out.
Let me
Let me
Let me
LEt mE
LeT Me
LET ME
Let me breathe into the icy tundras of the north where my lungs will freeze and toes will turn blue.
Let the bite of a most wondrous creature in the humid south taking me into fevered dreams.
Let me bite the built so I swallow it whole and paint the walls, red, pink, grey, and wet.
Cant, you just let me pass on and away?
"No," says the instinct to self preserve the only thing that keeps me tied to this place.