#selfloathing
I walk into rooms with a shadow behind. Not cast by the light, but born in my mind.
A smile on my face, rehearsed, and precise.. yet, somehow, I fractured the warmth into ice.
They laughed, then it slows, then silence descends like I’ve bent the air out of shape once again. It’s not what I say or maybe it is – just something about me that sinks all the bliss. The joy was so loud before I appeared.now the moment is quieter, haunted, and weird.
They shift in their seats. They look to the door. I wonder what damage I’ve done this time more. Why do I do this? God, I don’t know. I reach out for closeness, then watch it let go.
It’s a pattern, a rhythm, a cruel little loop. I bring in my storm, then retreat from the group.
I loathe this part of me, bitter and tight… The way I extinguish the candles of night. I don’t want to be this; this echo, this end. but shame is a hunter that wears my own skin. And the more that I fight it, the louder it gets in.
And I note the growth of self-loathing for the hurt I impose. But maybe, I hope, there’s more to this pain… than being just the cloud, the darkness, the rain.
Maybe the party was never quite whole, and I’m just a mirror too cracked to console. Still I stay, I wait, try not to fall. Though some days, I vanished inside it all. And even if healing is slow and unsure, I’ll keep showing up… Just a little bit more mature.
Mar 27
Mar 27, 2026 at 3:10 PM UTC
They said, pick one mask.
Not the strange one.
Not the loud one.
Not the soft, trembling one
that cries at commercials
and laughs at funerals.
So I tried on the versions of me
hanging like uniforms
in a thrift store of expectations.
This one is cool—
it comes with ripped jeans,
practiced eye-rolls,
a playlist of songs I don’t even like.
This one is pretty—
it comes with smaller bites,
smaller words,
smaller dreams.
This one is strong—
it comes with clenched fists,
swallowed feelings,
a spine made of steel
and rust.
I walk the halls in borrowed skin,
rehearsing lines
someone else wrote for me.
“People like us don’t do that.”
“People like you shouldn’t say that.”
“People like you are supposed to…”
Their sentences are cages,
and I keep decorating the bars
like that makes it freedom.
I laugh when they laugh,
choke when they cheer.
Every compliment feels like
a nail through my palm—
“Now you’re finally getting it.”
Getting what?
The more I fit in,
the less I recognize
the echo of my own thoughts.
I scroll past my reflection
in the black glass of my screen
and don’t stop.
I have become a rumor
about myself—
whispered in hashtags,
tagged in roles I never auditioned for.
They clap for the stereotype
wearing my face,
but no one knows
the understudy who stayed home.
Some nights I peel off
the day’s costume
and there is nothing underneath
but silence—
raw, shivering silence
where a person should be.
I traded my voice
for belonging,
and all I got was
a chorus of strangers
speaking through my mouth.
How do you escape
from a prison
you helped to build?
How do you confess
you’ve been missing
while standing
right in front of everyone?
I lie awake and rehearse
a different kind of courage—
not louder,
not prettier,
not stronger—
just real.
One day I will walk outside
wearing only
what I actually feel.
They will call it weird,
too much,
not enough.
And for the first time,
their words will bruise
but not define me.
I will meet my own eyes
in the mirror
and know:
this is not the version
they ordered.
This is the person
I refused to lose
to make them comfortable.
If that makes me
the wrong kind of
everything—
so be it.
At least at last
I’m mine.
Mar 18
Mar 18, 2026 at 2:33 PM UTC
I can’t feel any warmth in my blood anymore
The mirror gliding along my skin reflects only my ugliness
And the outline of my fingertips has begun to dissolve
It’s all just unbearably, and eternally painful
But strangely, I’m still gasping for salvation
Mar 8
Mar 8, 2026 at 12:05 PM UTC
I try being kinder to myself
Forgiving of my imperfections
Each step echoes through eternity
Taken in wrong direction
Even when road is hard
Life pushes me around
Landing smack on my bottom
Find a way to rise off of the ground
An ankle deep puddle of shame surrounding
Deepening every day
Soaking down each opportunity
Until too drowned to stay
It's a puzzle in the solving
Existing hard and I want to know why
Sometimes one needs little bit of help
Let go of the anchors not letting them fly
Simply being not good enough
Searching for signs
Future bliss
Remind me the reasons not to give up
It would be so much easier than this
Dec 13, 2025
Dec 13, 2025 at 6:25 AM UTC
each person reeks a persistent smell
woody or floral,
pleasant or foul,
strong or weak,
it's what you are.
so if you tell me I smell good,
why do flies still roam around?
even if I spray perfume or hush them away.
They are still stuck into my skin,
feeding from the stench I cannot smell.
And so I scratch and scratch,
ripping my skin off
so the smell could fade into the iron scent of my blood
I tear my insides more and more
until flesh comes out,
until my body spills, and the smell blurs.
But all that does
is attract more flies
Nov 9, 2025
Nov 9, 2025 at 6:06 AM UTC
I hate myself.
ah . . . .
here we are again.
What happened
to you? Making progress?
Yes. Those footprints
are six feet deep.
But here,
they're always covered by the snow.
But again,
what did the dead man do
when the turning became
the snake that circles me?
Again,
I think nothing.
Feel; but bleeding,
Leave; but needing,
Grieve; but heeding,
Real; but feeling; but leaving; but grieve.
Sickened heart, by this lie,
quit falling, again n again,
for beauty that's infected.
How many times will it take
for the disease to take you,
or you gain immunity?)
Oct 19, 2025
Oct 19, 2025 at 5:04 AM UTC
I know you don't wanna talk to me and that's fine.
I've just been wondering if you're finally okay after all this time.
But you have to believe me I was always on your side.
When I finally got him to confess, a part of me died inside.
And that day I left you as you cried.
I was late for the case worker who brushed what I said aside.
I wanted to apologise, but you have every right to cut me out of your life.
But I want you to know I was always on your side.
Sep 27, 2025
Sep 27, 2025 at 6:06 PM UTC
I’m a walking insult.
I’m a piece of ****
I’m a ******* mistake.
No, that felt too dignifying.
Is that more than what I deserve?
Did that make you laugh?
Your jokes describe me too well.
I nod with every letter said.
I feel my face flush scarlet
So ashamed I change —
real defining clue of myself —
like a snake skin sheds.
I want to be dehumanised.
I want to be violated
I want them to forget me.
I want to be an empty vessel.
I want to slit my throat.
I don’t want your warm affection.
Now my dreams echo hollow.
Every night, my head against the pillow,
revising every morsel I swallowed,
hoping there is no tomorrow —
As I walk to join the hanging bodies in the gallows.
They laugh and frolic in the sun with their slim waists.
You say I’m kind. Considerate,
but I just want your validation.
I’m a narcissist to the core.
Hope I’m not the bile in your throat,
or the acid that burns your hollow heart.
Did that make you laugh?
May 12, 2025
May 12, 2025 at 1:47 AM UTC
I’d tear myself limb from limb
If only you would love me more.
Broken bones for you to nurse,
A fragile body to be saved.
To make myself smaller and smaller
Until I was finally gone.
Maybe if I wasn’t here,
You’d truly pity me.
Apr 10, 2025
Apr 10, 2025 at 11:46 PM UTC
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Eating yourself like this
Gnawing at muscle and bone
Just to feel at home
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Cheating yourself like this
Quitting before the game begins
Just to wallow in your sins
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Beating yourself like this
Smashing your head into walls
Just to silence the noise of it all
You need to stop treating yourself like this.
Defeating yourself like this
Betting on a losing dog
Just to hide in the fog
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Deleting yourself like this
Editing your words before you speak
Just to hide the feelings underneath
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Repeating yourself like this
Echoing past excuses and mistakes
Just to avoid the time healing takes
You need to stop treating yourself like this
Completing yourself like this
Assuming this is how your story ends
Just to never make amends
You cause your own downfall
You make yourself doubtful
But you can change your tune
Let the light in and bloom
Mar 7, 2025
Mar 7, 2025 at 9:40 PM UTC
I’m losing myself every day.
I’m tired of fighting these battles.
I want to be fought for for once.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone
Is glad to have me in their life.
What’s so wrong with me?
Mar 7, 2025
Mar 7, 2025 at 7:21 PM UTC
‘Love yourself,’ they say.
How can I reach that goal when
I am the monster under my own bed?
I inspire panic and hesitation in myself daily.
How can I love someone I’ve feared for so long?
Mar 7, 2025
Mar 7, 2025 at 7:18 PM UTC
who are you to dare stare back at me
on the loneliest of my days?
Don't pretend
to be good company.
I'm alone
because you
are unlovable.
who are you to dare cry with me
on the hardest night I've ever lived through?
Don't pretend
to care about my feelings.
I'm crying
because you
are unloving.
who are you to shatter beneath my rage
on the eve of my mind's utter ruin?
Don't pretend
to be in control.
I've struck the silver glass
because you
are undeserving.
Jun 7, 2024
Jun 7, 2024 at 5:32 PM UTC
Sitting in my room my mind floods with memories
Indulging in negativity occasionally feels good, yes please
My mental health has gone SO south these past several years
I like to drown my pain in multiple beers
That doesn't always work for me
I just absorb as much pain as I can as if it'll turn into positivity
All I want is to feel like I matter
But truthfully I feel like a bother
A bother, a burden; take your pick
Sadly, I won't get the validation I need because I'm not a "chick"
In my experience nobody cares about a guy's feelings
Men with feelings are defined as weaklings
It's a tragedy that has lead to some sad events throughout history
Put your hands up if you agree.
Men should be able to share their emotions too
I started this poem because I was feeling blue
This website helps me get that validation I desperately crave.
It is definitely one of my fave
Writing out my feelings helps me cope
It gives me just a little bit of hope
That someday I'll find that special someone
Someone that'll accept my shattered heart and mend it
Mend it and erase all that negative ****
Apr 22, 2024
Apr 22, 2024 at 5:32 AM UTC
She’s waking, and she’s walking out the door
She leaves the glimmer of the red-brick,
In 2009, the first.
In 2023, the last.
The blood is on her hands, and she can feel a white blanket envelop her.
It is the first sensation she has felt in years.
Mercurial and self-loathing are those tears.
No more release in them.
Only release in that.
In this prison cell are mirrors; they glare back at her with such a hideous, emaciated, mortifying
Look on her face.
What she hears seems to salivate,
She, a ****** mouth of a teeth-grinder. Sore.
Did they see her face as the telephone rang?
The woman clothed in sun weeps with fury at her, with a mask of complete, deadly, damning indifference. It is so, so sorry; waves of anguished apologies flooded its lungs as he strangled it. The blade is for you, my dear girl.
As they came together, they came apart.
A hand, gloved in red;something in the way.
It’s a knell for this lady in red, and, oh! How she has been waiting so!
The troops of glares and deafening silence she cannot bear as she races towards them; they stampede over her.
She does not battle.
She does not cry.
She does not raise a finger.
She simply lets the curtains fall.
Ophelia drowns.
Feb 9, 2024
Feb 9, 2024 at 6:27 AM UTC
Self-loathing,
Self-hatred,
Guilt,
Pain,
I'll never be a good enough partner,
I'm failing right out of the gate.
I let you down,
I see it in your eyes,
I breached that trust you had in me,
And didnt live up to my own ideals,
A moment of weakness,
A moment of idleness,
Looping in my brain,
**** this tormentable guilt!
You say I get stuck in my own thinking,
Like a bird that's fallen into tar,
But thinking back,
If my brain is the tar,
I need to clean it some dawn.
Please let this storm pass,
Let the thunder die down in my mind
Let the lightning strikes fade,
For all that's holy,
May you forgive my trespasses still,
Let me be the man you said I could be,
And fly free,
Above the ooze and filth.
Jun 21, 2023
Jun 21, 2023 at 11:28 AM UTC
Thousands of tiny little stars
Hundreds of beating little hearts
Mountain mice can't fight the village lion
But the spark can light a thousand rivers that open the threshold for a billion oceans covered in nothing but shame and disgust.
Here lies a broken body, here falls another opinion ,the grave of a trillion lies
Nov 1, 2021
Nov 1, 2021 at 5:19 PM UTC
i take what i love about myself and wear it as a badge of honor, but at night i stare at the ceiling
and list all the things i hate. i stamp it in a
journal and time-date it, bookmark the
page i left off on and i put the leather
bound away. once a year i visit
what i hate about myself and
find that as long as the
feelings are inked
on a page and
not weighing
heavy on my
chest, there
isn’t much
to hate
at all.
May 16, 2021
May 16, 2021 at 10:29 PM UTC
I don't recognize this face in the mirror,
this didn't use to be me,
what am I?
How far away am I?
All the damage I've seen,
all the harm I've done,
maybe I deserve to be uncertain.
All the life has been ****** out of me,
I might've done this to myself,
I could be held accountable.
I try to be smart enough to show what's inside,
I don't believe I am,
no words seem to be enough to show what I mean.
Is this all just selfish of me?
Narcissism, is it what this is all about?
Not everything is about me,
why do I feel all the pain?
Can anyone tell me what this is all about?
I'm scared, hopeless, and alone.
Every sentence might be the last.
Apr 19, 2021
Apr 19, 2021 at 7:34 PM UTC