he died today.

he left a long message for his wife and his son.
i wonder what was racing through his mind as he typed those words.
was his hands shaking.
was his heart beating so loud that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
i wonder if he ever considered stopping.
did he hesitate.
did he think that maybe this isn’t the right answer.
did a voice above tell him to put it down.
i wonder if he was scared.
was he afraid to die or did he find peace.
did he question where he would end up or was he certain he’d see the pearly gates.

i wonder why he did it.
why it was so bad that he had to leave his wife who loved him and son who adored him.
tell me why.

why is there a young widow in her 20s and why is there a 3 year old boy who won’t ever see his dad again.
tell me why.

i hear these stories often and it makes me sad for awhile and then i forget about it.
but i can’t stop thinking about it.

i weep for a man I didn’t even know and a mother and child who have lost someone dear to them.
i weep for the people that make the decision to end their lives.
all the pain bottles up into this big ball and consumes them.
there is no other answer, solution, or choice to be made because this is the only decision that makes the pain go away for good.
tell me why.

he killed himself today.
yet the world continues on.
tell me why.