I want to see you. I want to run at you in the arrivals hall and for you to pick me up and spin me around because i’m finally there. I want to feel your arms around me keeping me safe. I want to run my fingers through your hair. I want to hold your hand and lay side by side just talking. I want to feel your heartbeat as I lay my head on your chest. I want to walk hand in hand through a park in the springtime sun. I want to watch your favourite film with you even though I know you’ll talk all the way through. I want you to kiss me, oh god I want to kiss you. I want to feel what it’s like when you touch me, hold my waist, pull me closer and grip my hips. I want to be close to you and feel your skin against mine. I want to jump into your arms and wrap my legs around you and be carried to your bed. I want to sit on your lap and straddle your hips and kiss you like my life depends on it because it does. I just want to be yours. I want to spend all night and day just exploring each other in every way. I want to see your perfect smile and hear your voice and your laugh. I want you to look at me the way you look at her (the smile in your eyes when she comes on screen is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen). I want to fall asleep tangled together and wake up in your arms. I want to wear your shirts and dance to your favourite songs. I want to hug you and keep you safe and help you get better. I want to make you feel the way you make me feel.


I just want to be able to love you properly, like you deserve. But right now I’ll have to settle for being your friend. Because I can’t lose you. I don’t want to want you like this, but I do. I know if you were here I wouldn’t be able to control myself, I don’t think you could either if I’m honest. I want to be able to love you like I do without feeling guilty because I know I’m making this harder. I don’t want to think about you like this, all the time, but I do. I’m trying I really am, it’s not working right now but maybe soon I won’t look at you and want to do things that friends really don’t do.
I want you in my life, even if I can’t love you like I really want to.