i start to wonder what should i do with myself. there are  lot of things needed to be done, and i’m swimming on top of the ocean of responsibilities, almost drowning actually. i don’t know how to get out of the ocean- i see people, yet i see not a single soul. they are all swimming freely, and here i am, struggling to even breathe. i was asked to swim to the shore, but how do i swim, when i can’t even breathe? i want to drown, it’s easier to drown and abandon everything away. every night, i cry, yet i don’t scream because i don’t need help in something as simple as swimming to the shore.

it’s easier to drown. it’s easier to drown and die, so i won’t be able to breathe again. i should drown. instead of weeping around, i should choke myself, drown, to the bottom of the ocean. i wish i could disappear. i wish no one would notice i disappear. i’m just a useless anchor bringing everyone down. i want to die. isn’t it easier if i die?

i want to drown. but the people i see are asking if i’m able to swim to the shore. i don’t need raft, i don’t need lifeguard. i can swim, so i don’t need them. i just want to be able to breathe, anyways. i can see people around me are ready to help, ready to throw me a float, and ready to teach me swim. all i have to do is to scream help. i know they’re good people. i know they’re sincere about wanting to help me. i know, i know that.

but how do i even scream? i forgot how to scream. i’ve been drifting on this ocean for long enough, i’ve been trying to breathe by myself, that i forgot i have the option to seek help. i want their help, yet i don’t know how. they’re all worried- they want me to reach the shore. what should i do? i’m barely breathing, i’m barely swimming. i’m barely living, so what do i do? i want their help, but i don’t know how to. what should i do?

i continue to breathe above the ocean. i could feel the cold water beneath me, inviting me to go deep down the ocean. it’s easier if i could just release myself and drown, but then i can imagine how sad and regretful the people will be. i don’t want that. i want them to just forget about me, so i can drown easily.

isn’t it easier if i just drown myself?
in this night, where no one can see me drown myself?

isn’t it easier if i die?

isn’t it easier if i **** myself?