im the in between of everything. mildew heart made to be a pin pouch, kept for when i knit. fishnet curtains stitched with suicide attempts and fear. every crevice cased in hospital visits. the paramedics sigh when they see me. "not again?" they ask hungrily, as if my hollow drilled eyes can feed their paycheck and maybe their ego.
    kiddie technicolor walls drawn with the images of whales that the youth group scribbled. the whales are drowning now.. forgotten how to swim. choking on plastic bags made from arrogance and money. i want to be whole again. i'm so very tired of the cold air and my trembling knees. i gulp down the manic pills like the goldfish my ma kept in her fish tank. did my grandmother feel like this? love so deeply that they took her away to a place with pills kept up in locked spaces? shoe strings cut with safety scissors. i bet it was scarier. i hope that it wasn't.