I'm sorry that I didn't send you that Christmas card.
It's just that...
It took me 4 weeks to buy it.
By the time I peeled myself from bed,
A shaking hand to the pale canvas of my face
Fabricating an abstract of a smile,
Floating through aisle after aisle like a ghost.
I found them.
They were on clearance.
I bought the last ones.

I wanted to tell you that I
was looking forward to sending it.
When I got yours, I smiled and then I cried
because how little effort does it take
for something that can impact
someone so much?
And how pitiful I must be
to not be able to follow through at all..

'You should follow through'
I'd tell it to anyone, even myself
Paper to pen, time and time again
Scratch it like nails against my arms with
Crippling anxiety at the thought of
Receiving a stamp of judgment
All for the postage.

And I should, follow through, I mean..
with all of those things I said I would do
before I got too tired, or too busy, or
laid in bed for 4 days straight,
thinking about all of those things that I should do,
And how all of those things
might impact you ..
or the other people that I love,
who might not understand why I do nothing
when push comes to shove.


Self sabotage is the only way
I know how to express my apathy.
But I'm trying this way instead.
I'm not very good with words,
but maybe if I can get them out of my head ..

'It's just a card.'
It might be what you'll say
And I know you would forgive me, at the end of the day..

Truthfully I'm not really sure what I am saying here
I guess I just want to make things clear.
It's not that I don't care, it's that you shouldn't
But I'm glad that you do
And had I been better, what I would of said to you ..
Merry Christmas.
I love you.
Thank you for being my friend.
With you, I feel less alone.